You're Dead Meat
by CrzyMonkyFrk
Summary: Emmett, Edward, and Jasper can't handle the pressures of being a vampire husband so they run away in panic. Rose, Bella, and Alice go on a quest to find them so they can kick their butts before Charlise and Esme return. Rated T for some language.
1. Chapter 1

One day Alice became pregnant. Don't ask me how she got in this predicament she just did for the sake of this story.

So naturally Rosalie was really pissed off. Jasper wasn't all that happy either because he didn't really want to have a child. He wasn't very good with children. They were always touching things that didn't belong to them and they were always screaming about something. Their simplistic emotions were chaotic. Yes, Jasper didn't like children at all.

Charlise and Esme had no idea what was going on in Forks because they went to a vampire doctor's conference in Australia. And yes they have vampire doctor conferences in Australia, ask anyone.

"Why is everyone pregnant but me?" Rosalie cried into her hands when Alice told her the news.

"Well, technically Alice is the only one pregnant. Bella already gave birth." Edward pointed out as he stood next to Bella.

"Edward! Show some sympathy!" Bella said in her mind and transferred it to Edward like some sort of mind telephone operator and smacked him across the chest. Not like it hurt or anything…

"I'm sorry Rose! I wasn't trying to get pregnant I swear I don't know how it happened!" Alice pleaded.

"Oh, I think I know how it happened." Emmett muttered to Jasper's ear. Jasper just groaned into his hands.

"Emmett you better make me pregnant right now!" Rose screeched at her husband.

"Uh…erm..well I-" Emmett stuttered. "I can't perform under pressure!" and Emmett ran out of the house screaming like a little girl.

"Oh well." Alice shrugged. "Man I am craving some gray wolf. Jasper please go get me some gray wolf blood."

"But Alice those are an endangered species, we can't kill those!" Jasper protested but he could feel the anger radiating from his normally calm wife.

"Jasper." Alice said through her perfectly clenched teeth. She pointed her index finger and took a step towards him in a threatening manner. "You had better get me some wolf blood or else."

"I can't perform under pressure!" Jasper screamed and ran out of the house screaming like Emmett had two seconds before.

"Edward, maybe you should go after them-" Bella started to say.

"Too much pressure! Too much pressure!" He screamed and followed after his two brothers waving his arms around in the air like a maniac.

Alice, Rosalie, and Bella all stood looking out the front door with dumb looks on all their faces. "What the hell just happened?" Bella was the first to ask.

"Our husbands just ditched us that's what happened." Rosalie sneered placing her hands on her hips. "Are we going to take that?"

"No!" Bella and Alice shouted together.

"Are we going to cry to Esme and Charlise to solve all our problems?" Rosalie asked raising her hand into the air.

"No!" Bella and Alice screamed raising their fists.

"Are we going to let our men folk run around like crazy vampires while we sit at home a do nothing?"

"No!"

"Then let's go get our men, ladies!" Rosalie charged through the front door. Alice and Bella ran after her but they all stop abruptly when they noticed Jacob sitting on their front porch.

"Hey can I come?" He asked eagerly.

"Jacob?!?! Who is watching my daughter?!" Bella shrieked.

Jacob looked around nervously. "Oh yeah...what's her name. I'll go get her." He turned into a wolf and bounded off the property. Alice and Bella watched him run away.

"Shouldn't you be worry about that?" Alice asked.

Bella shrugged. "No not really."

"You don't make a very good parent do you?" Alice rubbed her belly.

"Why do you think I named her that ridiculous name? No one who loves their child could ever name them something like that."

"Okay ladies! Stop standing around a chatting about Bella and Edward's stupid kid and let's go find the boys."

"Yeah!" Alice and Bella answered her and off they ran in the direction the boys had.

After running for a few miles into the woods Rosalie stopped again. "I am losing their scent!"

"Hold on I will try to have a vision." Alice held up her hands. "Everyone remain completely silent."

Bella glanced at Rosalie as Alice closed her eyes and started to hum loudly. "Hurry up Alice!"

"Don't RUSH ME!" Alice screamed so loud the trees started to shake.

Rosalie and Bella took a long step backwards. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Proceed." Rosalie nodded.

"Thank-you." Alice sighed and went back to humming.

After about five minutes Alice opened her eyes again. Rosalie and Bella looked at her expectantly but Alice just shrugged and said "I got nothing except for a dirty hobo, it looked like he was getting on a train. Like that has to do with anything."

"Well this is just great!" Bella complained.

"Girls, am I getting fat?" Alice began to poke her stomach.

"Shut up Alice we have to come up with a plan to find the boys." Rosalie threw a stick at Alice to make her shut up. That only made poor Alice start crying like crazy.

"I blame the hormones…" Bella whispered into Rosalie's ear.

"Enough!" Rosalie screamed and held up her hands. "We are going to have to spread out!"

"Don't leave me!" Alice sobbed clinging onto Bella's legs.

"We are not going to split up." Bella assured her. "Look the boys probably made it out of the woods already. I think they might try to go hide out in Canada. I say we go to Canada."

"Fine, let's go to Canada." Rosalie answered. "But can we please hurry up, we have to bring them back before Charlise and Esme get back from the vampire doctor's conference and I am not getting grounded for having an idiot for a husband."

"Road trip!!!" Alice jumped into Bella's arms wedding style. "I am so excited!"

"Yeah, whatever let's just go." Bella dropped Alice in the dirt and began to follow after Rose.

"Hey wait up!" She called running to catch up.


	2. Chapter 2

Edward, Emmett, and Jasper were running as fast as their little vampire feet could take them, which by the way is pretty damn far. Far off in the distance they could hear the girls screaming. The screams urged them only to get farther and farther away until they came to the Canadian border and which point Emmett skidded to a halt.

"Wait a minute you guys!" He said as Jasper and Edward stopped too.

"Come on! You want them to catch us?" Jasper pleaded looking over into Canada hopefully.

"We can't go into Canada! That is where they will think we are going!" Emmett announced. "We have to go somewhere else. Somewhere they will never be able to guess."

"For once I think Emmett is right about something." Edward mused. "But where should we go?"

"Florida?" Jasper wondered aloud.

"It's too sunny there…" Edward trailed off thinking to himself. Suddenly he turned towards Emmett. "No! We are not going there!"

"Going where?" Jasper asked curiously looking between his brothers.

"Oh come on! It's dark in there!" Emmett pleaded.

"You are a married man!"

"What the hell are you two talking about?" Jasper was asking anxiously.

"Emmett wants to go to a strip club." Edward announced distastefully.

"Okay, fine! We won't go to the stupid strip club. You guys ruin everything; Rose would want to go to a strip club with me!"

"Oh yeah? Well if you love Rose so much maybe you should just go marry her!" Jasper accused.

"I already did like eighteen times!" Emmett shouted back.

"Oh no I can smell them again!" Edward looked very scared all of a sudden.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! What do we do? We got to get out of here!" Emmett started to run in a circle. "I'm too young to die!""

Jasper slapped Emmett across the face rather harshly. "Emmett you're hysterical!"

"Oh. Sorry." Emmett relaxed and rubbed his red cheek. "But seriously what are we going to do?"

A train whistle blew off in the distance. All three vampire boys turned to the noise at the same time. "I know! Let's follow the train tracks and see where that takes us!" Jasper pointed out.

"Yeah!" Edward and Emmett shouted together. And off the boys went in search of the train tracks. When they finally found they tracks they stopped running and began to walk alongside them happily.

"So what do you suppose will happen if the girls ever do catch up to us?" Emmett asked solemnly after walking a few more miles.

"I don't want to think about it…" Jasper shuddered.

"Hey let's not talk about that okay? We are all going to be fine. Besides we are bachelors now." Edward was balancing himself on one of the railings, his arms were held aloft to give him more balance.

"What about you two? Edward you already have a kid and Jasper you got one on the way."

Jasper started to cry a little bit at the reminder and Edward just shrugged to himself. "Does anyone even really care about that kid? I sure as hell don't and I don't think Bella does either. That's why she always lets her hang out with a wolf-man."

Jasper stopped crying to nod in agreement. "Hey do you guys hear that train coming?"

"Yeah are you thinking what I am thinking?" Emmett's eyes were full of excitement.

"Actually I am thinking what you are thinking." Edward answered coolly. "And I think it's a bad idea."

Jasper waited for Emmett to tell him what was going on again. "Fine then Mr. Grumpy Pants, Jasper and I are going to jump into one of the boxcars and you can just keep walking."

Edward read the excitement go off in Jaspers head too now. "Oh man…" He groaned.

"Two against one, sorry man." Jasper patted Edward on the back and waited with Emmett for the train to show up.

"You both know that the girls can run faster than a train and might be able to catch up to us right?" Edward tried unsuccessfully to persuade them.

"Yeah but they aren't going to know we got on a train. Besides they are probably snooping around in Canada right now." Emmett waved him off. The train slowly chugged its way into view. "This is going to be awesome!"

The train was passing the boys and they found an open boxcar. "Quick let's go!" Jasper shouted running towards the train. The all jumped in one by one rocking the boxcar slightly. "We made it!" Emmett shouted gleefully.

"Hey you! Get off this is my boxcar!" They all turned around to look at the opposite corner. A man with a dirty face and beard glared at them from beneath his oversized trench coat.

"Wow! It's a real hobo!" Emmett was amazed at the dirty old man.

"I said get off my boxcar or I will cut you." He pulled out a rusty pocket knife and pointed it in Edward's direction.

A few seconds later a dirty old hobo was lying beside the train tracks grumbling to himself while Edward was dusting off his hands. "He left his banjo." Jasper observed picking up the stringed instrument.

"Play us a tune." Emmett sat down so that his legs were dangling outside the car.

"What makes you think I can play a banjo?" Jasper asked.

"Well you grew up around that stuff when you were human didn't you?"

"What is that suppose to mean?"

"Stop arguing guys you are giving me a headache. Or maybe it is just the smell of this train. Either way shut up." Edward was sitting alone in the corner of the car.

They sat in silence for a little while. "Maybe we should head to Australia. Esme will protect us." Emmett suggested.

"No, we can't keep running to them every time we need help. We are grown adults after all." Edward rubbed his eyes.

"So we just keep riding the train until it stops?" Jasper asked.

"I guess that's the plan." Edward sighed. Emmett nodded and went back to staring out at the open fields of grass. "I sure hope that hobo doesn't decide to come back." he said out loud but more to himself.

They all remained quiet until the train stopped hours later.


	3. Chapter 3

"Where could they be? We searched everywhere!" Rose complained slumping down on a rock. The girls were standing among a group of trees out of sight from any passing humans.

"Yeah and Canada is pretty big, how did we search everywhere in just a few hours?" Alice wondered still rubbing her growing belly.

"I don't know probably the same way you got pregnant. This is all kinds of messed up." Bella sat down at Rose's feet and began to draw pictures in the dirt numbly.

Alice stiffened up slightly. She then fell to the ground. Rose and Bella looked on as Alice twitched around. "What is happening to her?"

"I think she is having another vision." Rose answered looking around for a rock. After finding one of suitable size she threw it at Alice. "Stop being such a drama queen and tell us what you are seeing."

"_Fine._" Alice pouted and stood up. "I think I saw Edward."

Bella jumped up. "Where? Where did you see him?"

"Oh man Bella you are not going to like this…" Alice sighed.

"What do you mean I am not going to like it? Tell me where did you see him? What was he doing?"

"Well." Alice started off. "Firstly, he was in England."

"England?!" Bella and Rose shouted together at the same time.

"Yes England. And secondly he was dancing with this human girl and they looked very close." Alice finished.

Bella's face turned bright red. Rose ignored her and asked Alice "What about Emmett did you see him?"

"No I only saw Edward. No sign of Jasper or Emmett." Alice affirmed. "So are we going to head towards England?"

"Hell yeah we are going to England. Edward has got a lot of explaining to do!" Bella marched out of the woods and across Canada until she reached the Atlantic Ocean.

"Great now how are we going to get across this whole ocean!" Alice complained. "I can't fly in my condition."

"We can run super fast right?" Bella asked. "Let's just run."

"That seems plausible." Rose shrugged. They all started sprinting across the ocean stopping only for a rest in Greenland before continuing on towards England. When they reached London they saw all the news reports about mysterious hurricanes battering the coast. "Oops." Alice said out loud. "I guess we should have thought that one through a bit more."

"Shut up and tell me where Edward is so I can strangle him!" Bella growled.

"He was at some school. Foggywarts, or Logwarts…something like that I can't really remember clearly." Alice answered.

"Okay let's just get a map." Rose pulled out a tourist map and studied it carefully. "Hogwarts is it?"

"Yeah that is the one!" Alice answered.

"Yeah it is right here." Rose pointed to the picture of the gothic castle on the map. Bella studied the map carefully and then began to sprint off in the direction of Hogwarts. When they finally arrived Edward was nowhere in sight.

"I think I smell him. This way!" Bella lead them away from the school grounds for a few miles before they found themselves in a graveyard.

"Man I know we are vampires, but all these graves are freaking me out." Alice sniffed stepping over a fallen tree.

Bella ignored her and cup her hands around her mouth. "Edward!" She shouted into the fog.

"Emmett I know you are with him! Show yourselves right now!" Rosalie joined in.

"Who are you?"

The girls turned around to see who had spoken. It was a young man with dark black hair and dorky glasses. "We're vampires who are you?" Rosalie answered unfazed.

"I'm Harry Potter."He boy answered. "Do you know the way back to Hogwarts? Me and my friend got zapped here after touching the cup." He jerked his thumb back and from out behind a tree a boy looking exactly like Edward stepped out.

"Edward Cullen!" Bella screeched and ran towards him.

"Get him!" Alice shouted as she and Rose made their way over to help Bella beat up Edward.

"Edward? That's Cedric! Get off of him!" Harry tried to pull the vampires off Cedric Diggory.

"Wait just a second!" Rose said stepping off Cedric. "I think we are in the wrong book."

"What do you mean?" Bella asked. She was still sitting on Cedric's chest with her fist reared back ready to strike.

"I don't know I just have a very bad feeling about all of this…" Rose looked around. Bella and Alice got off Cedric and Harry helped him up.

"You girls are crazy!" Cedric shouted.

"Uh-oh." Alice whispered. She had just had another vision.

"Avada Kedavra!" A voice shouted from the darkness. And then Cedric was dead.

"Edward!" Bella wailed.

"Run! Run for my life!" Rose screamed and ran away. Alice and Bella trialed behind her screaming as well, afterwards they stopped to rest.

"Well what the hell was that all about?" Alice asked.

"I don't know but let's just get out of this crazy country and never come back. They killed Edward!"  
Bella sobbed.

"That wasn't Edward Bella!" Rose slapped Bella in the back of the head. "We should get back to the states, I think."

"I agree." Alice responded brightly. "But we have to hurry. They could be anywhere by now."

"Alright then let's go." Bella sighed and stood up. And off they went back to the United States.


	4. Chapter 4

Edward, Emmett, and Jasper hopped off the train. It was the middle of the night and they were careful none of the rail workers caught a glimpse of them.

"Now where are we?" Jasper complained trudging along behind his brothers.

"I don't know." Emmett looked around. They were walking towards the cover of a large rock formation in the middle of an open clearing.

Edward sat down on one of the rocks and frowned. "Great. We are lost all because you idiots wanted to get on a train!"

"Hey you could have stayed back at the house!" Emmett argued. Jasper smirked and leaned back on another rock.

"Well at least we know they won't be able to find us here." Jasper mentioned. His brothers nodded gratefully.

"I'm bored." Emmett whined after a few more moments. "And I am starting to miss Rose."

Jasper stood up and gripped Emmett by his shoulders. "Don't say that man! Don't say that!"

"Hey you are missing Alice too! I can read it in your mind!" Edward pointed a finger at Jasper.

"Oh and don't pretend you are not missing Bella either!" Jasper shouted now. Then all three boys started to cry and huddled together in a group hug.

"I just want my wife back!" Emmett sobbed into Edward's shoulder.

"Aha! I finally found you snot nosed kids!" A man's voice shouted at them from behind a rock. It was the dirty old hobo Edward threw off the train.

"Ahh!" Emmett screamed and jumped into Jaspers arms. "He came back to kill us!"

"I'm going to teach you a lesson about messing in another hobo's car!" The hobo pulled out another knife.

"Run for the hills!" Emmett leapt out of Jasper's arms and ran towards the hills. Unsure of what to do, Jasper and Edward shrugged and ran after him. The hobo watched them run away at vampire speed and sat down on the ground in disbelief. "I have to lay off the coke." The hobo groaned into his beard.

Edward and Jasper finally caught up with Emmett. "Why are you so afraid of a hobo?"

"Because, I just am okay! Don't judge me!"

Jasper calmed Emmett down while Edward tried to think of what they should do next. "Think Edward! Think!" Edward slapped himself in the head numerous times.

"We are going to die out here aren't we?" Emmett whispered. Jasper smacked him upside the head as hard as he could. "We are vampires you idiot!"

"What if Buffy shows up?" Emmett looked around nervously.

"Buffy?" Edward paused to stare at Emmett. "Esme told you to stop watching that show. It gives you nightmares!"

"I couldn't help it! Nothing else was on T.V. that day!" Emmett cried.

"Oh grow a pair Emmett." Jasper rolled his eyes. Emmett sobered up almost immediately. "Okay, okay you guys are right. I need to stay focused."

"Right." Edward agreed.

"So what is the plan Edward?" Jasper asked carefully folding his hands behind his back.

"Why does everyone ask me to come up with the plans?"

"Because, you are smarter than us." Emmett acknowledged eagerly.

"Speak for yourself." Jasper snarled.

"Oh shut up." Emmett stood nose to nose with his brother Jasper but right before they were about to rip at each other's throat Edward came up with a solution.

"I have it! We will go to Colorado."

Jasper and Emmett stopped to stare at Edward incredulously. "Colorado?" they said at the same time.

"Yes, we can hide in the mountains for awhile. Once the girls forgot about this mess we can return to Forks and we will all live happily ever after. Well I guess not for you Jasper, or even you Emmett since Rose is always going to be pissed about not having a child…" Edward slowly stopped talking when he realized he wasn't helping.

"That's great me and Rose have a Condo in Colorado we could just stay there. It is hidden and everything." Emmett grinned.

"Okay but which way to Colorado? We don't even know where we are now." Jasper asked looking around.

"Let's just head back west. It can't be that hard to find Colorado." Emmett shrugged. Edward grinned and nodded. Jasper sighed heavily as he thought of getting further away from Alice but nodded along as well.

So the boys started running full speed towards Colorado. But they messed up their directions mostly because stupid Emmett was the navigator.

While they were running they somehow ended up in Arizona. Emmett noticed the sign reading "Williams AZ next exit" but kept running anyway. Well Jasper DIDN'T see the sign and he fell into the Grand Canyon.

Yes. You read right. Jasper Hale ran right over the ledge and tumbled into the Grand freaking Canyon. Way to go Jasper.

"Noooo!" Edward screamed as he watched Jasper bounce of the rocky edges on his way down. "Emmett now we have to go down there and get him! This is your entire fault."

"Geez _sorry_ I just assumed you guys would watch where you were stepping." Emmett threw his arms up in the air and followed Edward on his climb down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. It only took them a few minutes to get to the bottom seeing as how they were wicked cool vampires that can do things like that.

Jasper was sitting on the ground Indian style with his arms crossed firmly across his chest. His clothes were torn and his hair was even more of a mess than it normally was. "I can't believe you guys let me fall all the down here."

"Oh chill out, not like anyone actually saw you." Emmett scoffed.

"Actually Emmett someone did see me. He is right over there!" Jasper pointed to a dead tourist, his camera still wrapped around his neck, lying in a crumpled heap a few feet away.

"Jasper, you didn't go off our diet did you?" Edward nervously asked thinking Jasper must have attacked the man.

"No! He fell off the cliff at almost the same time I did!" Jasper explained. "You see we were both falling together at the same speed, and since it is a rather long drop we had some time to talk. He lived in Texas in his mother's basement. This was the first time he left her house. I told him about how I was a vampire and everything. He wanted to take a picture so I let him because I knew he would die as soon as we hit the bottom."

"So I will take this." Emmett stripped the dead mama's boy of his camera. "We can't leave any evidence. At least we know where we are now. Colorado won't be that hard to find now."

"At last we meet again children!" The dirty old hobo jumped out from behind another rock.

"How the hell did you get here?" Edward and Jasper screamed together.

The hobo cracked a smile and pointed to a pack mule. "Old Bessie got me here."

Emmett just looked stunned. "Run for it boys!" He hollered and started climbing up the rocks like a rock monkey or something. Jasper and Edward hurried after him.

The hobo watched them scale the walls of the Grand Canyon so effortlessly that it caused his jaw to drop. He turn to speak to Bessie "I stopped doing coke. Now I suppose I'll have to stop the meth too."


	5. Chapter 5

Alice was having another vision and Rose and Bella sat waiting for her to finish. They had returned to Forks and were hanging out in the high school parking lot just like old times. "Aren't you done yet?" Rose asked impatiently.

"I see-I see a man falling…yes falling from a great height." Alice frowned. "Ugh, and he has horrible fashion sense. Socks with sandals? Fanny pack? Cheap Hawaiian shirt? Must be a tourist and a mama's boy."

"Why do you keep having visions of these random people Alice?" Bella was getting annoyed.

"Well _excuse_ me Miss Bella. I can't control it." Alice stuck her bottom lip out firmly.

"That's MRS. to you!" Bella shouted.

"Mrs.? I don't see your husband anywhere MISS." Alice was amused with herself.

"Shut up! Look it's Mike Newton, Bella go ask him if he has seen the boys." Rosalie pointed across the parking lot. The boy didn't seem to notice them and kept walking.

Bella groaned loudly then ran over to catch Mike. "Hey! Mike! Wait up I have to ask you something!"

Mike stopped suddenly and put on a huge grin. Bella needed something from him! This was the best day of his life! Even better than when he was born, because let's face it, that was a pretty awesome day. Way to go Mr. and Mrs. Newton, you two did a swell job.

"Yes Bella?" Mike tried not to sound as nervous as he was feeling.

"Mike, I was wondering if you have seen Edward or Emmett, or even Jasper? We have been looking for them all day."

Mike's grin faded at the mention of Edward's name. "No, sorry Bella I haven't. But hey you girls could always come hang out with me." He raised his eyebrows suggestively and glanced back to where Alice and Rosalie were watching. He was unaware that they could hear every word he was saying.

"Um. No thanks Mike, I think we are just going to wait for them back home…" Bella backed away from the creeper also known as Mike Newton.

"Oh, okay." Mike looked crestfallen. "But call me anytime you want a little piece of the Mikester!"

"Let's get the hell out of here." Bella whispered so low that only Alice and Rose could hear her. The girls rushed back to their hidden mansion to recuperate and think of their next plan of action.

"They are probably nearby somewhere. Emmett won't stand being away from me for much longer. Maybe we should just wait for them to come home." Rosalie shrugged.

"No. I want to be the one to find Jasper." Alice had an evil glare in her eye.

"But where are we supposed to look for them?" Bella groaned.

"Well if Alice could get her visions straight we wouldn't have this problem!" Rose complained.

"Don't yell at me!" Alice put her head down on the kitchen table and started to cry like a big baby.

"It's those damn hormones again." Bella shook her head.

Alice snapped her head up and her eyes went blank. "Gee I wonder who she is going to see this time…" Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"Charlise and Esme!" Alice shrieked.

"What?!" Rosalie and Bella shouted back.

"They are coming home early! They will be here in a few hours!" Alice started to run around the kitchen table screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Esme is going to kill us for losing Edward! He is her favorite after all!" Bella cried and started running around the table with Alice.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Rosalie screeched sticking out her leg. Alice tripped over Rose's boot and came crashing to the ground, Bella who was right behind her tripped and fell on top of the pixie almost crushing her to death.

"Get off!" Alice wailed. "I'm pregnant you idiots!"

"Oh yeah…sorry about that." Rosalie and Bella helped Alice up and took her to sit down on the couch.

"What are we going to do?" Alice complained staring up into Bella's face.

"Well-"

"We are going to run away!" Rosalie ordered running out of the room. She returned with duffel bags filled with clothes.

"We can't just leave!" Bella protested but Rosalie was already pulling Alice onto her feet.

"Fine you stay here and listen to the long boring lecture Charlise is going to give you about responsibility. I swear just because he is a doctor and our dad he thinks he can boss us around and be a mentor…" Rosalie was heading out the door.

"And have fun dealing with Esme's wrath." Alice slammed the door behind them. Bella stood in the living room shifting from one foot to the other nervously.

"Wait for me!" Bella shouted at the top of her lungs chasing them down. She ran over her daughter, what's her name, who was playing on the porch and finally caught up to Alice and Rose.

"So where are we going?"

"Colorado. Emmett and I have a condo there." Rosalie smirked.


	6. Chapter 6

"Now don't tell anyone else about this place!" Emmett warned as he led his two brothers up the side of a forest covered mountain. "Rose would kill me if I showed anyone. It's the only one we haven't destroyed." He said this last part dreamily because he was dreaming of himself and Rosalie running through a field of sunflowers together.

Edward whispered something into Jasper's ear and they both erupted with laughter.

"Hey shut up!" Emmett turned on them.

"Well Jasper was thinking about him and Alice dancing at those old fashion southern ball things." Edward pointed at Jasper and began to snicker.

"Oh right prince Charming and you weren't thinking about doing stuff with Bella?" Jasper accused.

"There it is!" Emmett cut in pointing to an enormous house built half-way into a cave. It blended in perfectly with the environment. Emmett broke into a run and Jasper and Edward followed.

"This place is amazing Emmett. How did you build this without Esme?" Edward asked admiring the view from a second story window.

"Me and Rosalie aren't as stupid as you think Ed." Emmett announced rolling his eyes from downstairs.

Jasper was fingering through the book case in the living room. "Rosalie and I." He corrected not even looking up.

"No, me and Rosalie." Emmett spoke slowly. "Not you and Rosalie…"

Jasper rolled his eyes and Edward came back downstairs. "I guess we'll wait here for a while. Then we should move on."

"Move on? This is the perfect hiding place!" Emmett protested looking up from the T.V.

"Yeah but Rosalie knows how to get here." Jasper answered plopping down on the couch.

Emmett started to drool at the mention of his wife's name. He almost wished she would find him.

"Emmett snap out of it!" Edward boomed. Emmett shook his head violently. "You're right. Sorry."

"It's okay we all miss them." Jasper sighed leaning his head back on the arm rest.

"I'm hungry." Emmett looked down at his stomach. "Let's go hunt."

"Yeah, maybe we should…" Edward looked out the window again.

"Yay!" Emmett launched himself of the couch disturbing Jasper in the process. "There are some great bears in the area!"

So the boys started out to go hunting. They didn't talk much until Emmett had finished draining his last bear. He tossed the carcass aside and looked over towards his brothers who were dusting off the snow on their jackets. Emmett wiped his mouth and walked over to them.

"I'm stuffed." He patted his stomach and boomed with laughter.

"Yes, I do feel a lot better now." Jasper sighed. "Maybe we could head back home now-"

"No!" Edward cut across him. "We can't go back now. They will still be mad with us."

"Yeah but aren't we just making it worse. I would be logical to go back on our knees-" Jasper tried again.

"It would be logical for you to shut the hell up!" Emmett held up his hand. "I think I heard someone."

Emmett, Jasper, and Edward all stood perfectly still listening carefully for any sound.

"Gross!" Jasper covered his nose. "Do you smell that?"

Emmett's face drained of its color. "I know that smell…" his voice was quivering.

"Oh not again!" Edward groaned.

"Hello kids!" A familiar scratchy voice called from behind a tree.

"Get out of here you dirty old hobo!" Jasper bellowed while Emmett cowered behind him.

"How the hell are you keeping up with us?" Edward screamed.

The hobo just shrugged. "I eat my green vegetables."

"If you didn't smell so bad I would eat you!" Jasper threatened.

"I could take all three of ya with my arms tied behind my back!" The hobo held up his fists and got into a boxing stance.

"Oh no we are doomed!" Emmett screeched

"Finally! Revenge!" The hobo launched forward towards Jasper and Emmett only to be yanked backwards by the collar of his filthy jacket.

"Uh-oh." Edward whispered when he realized who had grabbed the man.

Rosalie was holding the hobo three feet off the ground. Alice and Bella stood on either side of her; each one of them had fire in their eyes.

Rose flung the hobo off the mountain and marched over to Emmett. "You are in for a world of hurt buddy."

While the hobo flew through the air he thought to himself. "I have got to stop drinking…"


	7. Chapter 7

Rosalie, Alice, and Bella reached the base of the mountain. "Okay now it is just up this mountain. Emmett and I built it ourselves so Esme won't know about it."

"Yeah and maybe this is where the boys are hiding." Bella added eagerly.

"They won't be hiding here. Emmett is smart enough to know not to hide somewhere I would know about." Rosalie sighed.

Bella frowned as she looked up at the massive mountain. "We are never going to see the boys again are we?"

"Yes we will. They will get bored and go home looking for us, but they will find Charlise and Esme instead. And then they will get in trouble and after that we can come home." Rosalie explained. "It's the perfect plan."

"My feet hurt!" Alice complained taking her snow boots off.

"Well I'm not going to carry you." Bella crossed her arms over her chest.

"Well build me a sled I don't care!" Alice rubbed her feet carefully.

"Do you guys smell that?" Rosalie sniffed the air again.

"Smell what?" Alice and Bella asked at the exact same time.

"Nothing…I thought I might have smelled Emmett a second ago. It must just be the house so nearby. We have spent a lot of time in there…" She smiled a little.

"Okay let's get started." Bella sighed pushing passed Rose and starting to trudge up the mountain. Rosalie helped Alice up and they walked together.

"We may be on the run but at least we are all together right?" Alice chirped.

"Shut up Alice." Rosalie answered harshly. "We are lucky that we are vampires or our asses would have frozen off."

"Don't tell me to shut up Rosalie just because you are mad that Emmett left you." Alice pointed out.

"Emmett did not leave me! We are just taking a break!"

"No, I'm pretty sure he left you." Bella added.

"You shut up too! I don't see your men around either."

"Accept the fact that you are single now Rose." Alice continued to press her luck.

"Oh yeah Alice?" Rosalie stopped and pointed a finger at her sister; she dropped her arm and made a funny looking face. "Ooh Ooh! Look at me I'm Alice and I am having a vision!" Rosalie made a dramatic face similar to the ones Alice makes when she is seeing into the future.

"I see Jasper! Jasper and Maria getting it on in the back seat of a rusty pick-up truck! I see him dumping you because you have no fashion sense!" Rosalie imagined.

"What?! No fashion sense?! I'm going to kill you, you stupid blonde bitch!" Alice screeched and flung herself onto Rosalie. They wrestled around in the snow while Bella cleaned her nails.

"Call me when you are done." She sighed and sat down on a rock.

"Wait! Wait! Wait!" Alice got off of Rosalie and began to have a vision.

"Oh great another vision that will tell us absolutely NOTHING!" Rosalie shouted at the top of her lungs.

"I saw them!" Alice shrieked when she came back out of it.

"Where?!" Bella and Rosalie jumped up at the same time.

"Emmett was being attacked by a hobo!" Alice looked frightened. Rosalie walked up and punched her square in the face. "That's for calling me a blonde bitch. Wait, what did you say about Emmett?"

Alice clutched her nose. "I _said_, that he was being attacked by a hobo!"

Rosalie gasped. "Not my poor Emmett! He is terrified of hobos!"

Bella and Alice gave her questionable looks.

"Er-I mean…I'm going to KILL him!" Rosalie growled.

"Yeah!" Alice and Bella shouted. They began to charge up the hill at full speed, the scent of the boys getting stronger by the second.

Rose saw the hobo take a step towards Emmett and Jasper and leapt out and grabbed him before he could take another step. Alice and Bella were quickly at her side.

"Uh oh." Edward whispered looking at Bella.

Rosalie tossed the hobo casually over her shoulder and marched right up to Emmett. "You are in for a world of hurt buddy."


	8. Chapter 8

"Tie them up ladies." Rosalie instructed when they got back to the condo. Alice and Bella were busy tying knots around the boys who were sitting in dining chairs.

"Rose." Emmett groaned. "That's too tight."

"That's what she said!" Alice giggled.

"Shut up Alice!" Rose yelled.

"Don't tell me Alice to shut up!" Jasper countered.

"Aw thank you honey." Alice bent down to kiss her husband but Rosalie pulled her off quickly.

"We are still _mad_. Remember?" Rosalie sighed.

"Oh, of course right." Alice shrugged and slapped Jasper across the face as hard as she could. "Now be quiet you."

"We said we were sorry! Let's us go! Bella darling please-" Edward pleaded with Bella. She looked down on him with sympathy in her eyes. She glanced over at Rosalie looking like a lost puppy.

"No Bella! Don't give in! He is just trying to trick you!" Rosalie sputtered.

"Fine." Bella huffed and walked away.

"Now what are we going to do with them?" Alice asked cheerfully dancing around the boys in a circle.

"I know what I am going to do!" Rose announced. "I'm going to take Emmett out into the woods and beat the crap out of him with a tree."

"That's not why you are taking him-" Edward started to say but Rose ran over and quickly covered his mouth with duct tape.

"Right, so I am going to take Emmett and you girls stay in here and guard them. And don't even think about un-tying them. Don't let them talk you into it. In fact don't even talk to them. Just stay out of this room completely." Rosalie lifted Emmett still on his chair over her shoulder. "I'm counting on you Alice." Rose announced and left the house taking a screaming Emmett with her.

"No fair…" Alice pouted. "I want to beat Jasper up with a tree too."

"Alice, I love you. Now let me out of here and we can run away together. Just you and me all alone." Jasper spoke directly to her.

"Rosalie said I am not allowed to talk to you…" Alice sighed.

"Well Rosalie isn't here right now is she?" Jasper pointed out. "Come on get me out of this."

"I don't think I should."

"Alice…"

"No Jasper!" Alice ran out of the room and upstairs to where Bella was sitting on the balcony looking out at the snow capped mountains.

"What happened?" Bella asked with a worried look on her face. "I saw Rose run off with Emmett."

"She is going to kick his ass out there is what she said basically." Alice explained. "And don't go back downstairs, Jasper almost talked me into letting him go."

"But I want to make out with my hunk of burning vampire love!" Bella complained.

"Well you are just going to have to wait." Alice perched herself on the balcony railings.

"We could always just do it anyway. Rosalie is not our boss." Bella thought out loud.

"No Bella! We can't do that to Rosalie, she trusts us and I trust her!"

"What was that?!" Bella sat up immediately pointing out into the tree covered landscape.

"Did that tree just fall over." Alice asked.

"That's what I thought happened…" Bella used her super awesome vampire senses to scan every inch of the mountain.

"Must be Rosalie." Alice said.

"Or…Charlise and Esme found us!" Bella shrieked.

"No!" Alice screamed. "That's impossible!"

"You're right; it probably is just Rose and Emmett." Bella assured herself. "I'm just starting to get a little paranoid."

"It's okay." Alice patted her back lightly.

"Hello ladies!"

"Mike?!" Alice and Bella screamed together.

"How in the hell did you manage to follow us all the way up the mountain?" Alice was astonished.

"How? I am Mike freakin' Newton baby that's how." Mike winked at Bella.

"Get the hell out of here Mike. We don't like _your_ kind." Bella crossed her arms and glared at him.

"My kind? What's that suppose to mean? Bella you racist!" Mikes shouted. "That's okay I forgive you because we were meant to be."

"By your kind I meant creepy humans. Now get out of here before I throw you out of here!"

"I'd love to see you try to throw me." Mike whispered.

"That's it!" Bella howled. She reached for Newton and flung him off the balcony. He went soaring through the air for a few miles until he landed safely in a snow bank.

"Not another one!" The dirty old hobo screamed as Mike almost crushed him.

"Nice throw Bella." Alice high-fived her.

"What's going on up there?" Jasper asked.

"Shut up Jasper!" Alice screamed.


	9. Chapter 9

Rosalie was dragging Emmett back to the house. His hands and feet were still bound but Emmett wasn't screaming anymore, in fact he had almost a smug look on his face.

"Rose is home!" Alice chirped and danced back downstairs to open the door milliseconds before Rose reached for the handle.

"Wow Rose. You look like crap." Bella noted. Rose had twigs all in her hair and she was covered in dirt and melted snow.

"Shut up." Rose growled.

"Hey Rosalie, next time let me tie you up." Emmett winked under her grasp. Rose giggled.

"Rosalie Hale!" Alice screeched. "You didn't beat him up at all did you?"

"I wouldn't say that." Emmett chuckled.

"Emmett shut up!" Rosalie kicked him in the ribs.

"You filthy hypocrite!" Bella set her hands on her hips firmly.

"See, she let her man go. Let me go too." Jasper called from the kitchen. "You can leave Edward tied up! I don't mind."

Edward was trying to scream but the tape prevented him from making any sense.

"I can't help it! Look at his face!" Rosalie pointed down to Emmett who was smiling like a child at her feet.

"Ooh I'm going to kill you!" Alice slammed into Rosalie who screamed and tried to run away but Alice grabbed a fistful of her hair. Emmett tried to help but he was still tied up and couldn't really do anything but bump into Alice with his chest.

Meanwhile Bella ran over and ripped the tape off Edward's mouth. "Thank you dear." He whispered. "Now everybody stop!" he boomed to the rest of them. Alice and Rosalie stopped fighting but Emmett ran into Alice on last time. Alice pushed him over the couch and walked back into the kitchen with Rose.

"Okay so you girls found us, but now we are all going to be dead if Charlise and Esme find us. Like it or not we are in this together now." Edward explained.

"He is right." Rosalie sighed.

"So I can untie my Jasper?" Alice jumped into Jasper's lap almost causing the chair to flip over.

"Fine." Rosalie rolled her but smiled as Emmett hopped up behind her.

Then they girls untied their husbands and started to make-out for another twenty minutes or so but we are going to skip over all that because no one wants to sit and read about twenty minutes of making out.

"Well that was fun." Alice sighed resting her head on Jaspers shoulder. They were all sitting in the living room. Alice and Jasper were sharing a love seat; Rosalie was sitting on the couch while Emmett sat on the ground leaning against her legs. Edward was standing in front of them and Bella was sitting crossed leg next to Emmett on the floor.

"Since Esme doesn't know about this place we should be safe here." Edward explained. "I'm just worried because Charlise is like a super smart vampire who could probably find some way to find us."

"Hey guys!"

They all turned around to see Jacob standing in the front door.

"What do you want?" Rosalie sneered.

"I want to run away from Charlise and Esme too!" Jacob grinned from ear to ear.

"You are not part of this family…" Alice pointed out gently.

"Oh yeah? Well I imprinted on what's her name, Edward and Bella's daughter, so I kind of am family."

"Get out of here you pedophile!" Edward drop kicked Jacob back down the mountain where he ran into the dirty old hobo and Mike Newton.

"Where the hell are all you kids coming from?" The hobo was pulling his hair out. "I stopped doing drugs; I stopped drinking; now I guess I am going to have to stop being a prostitute as well!"

"Um, gross." Mike said inching away from the hobo.

"Like I was saying." Edward continued. "We are just going to have to wait it out here."

"Okay but no one better trash this house." Rosalie grumbled.

"_Don't stop believing, hold on to the feeling…"_

Jasper opened his phone up. Alice frowned. "Aw I liked that song."

"Hello?" Jasper asked into the phone.

"Jasper? Where is everyone?"

Jasper dropped the phone in shock. "It's Esme!"

"Quick hang up!" Emmett picked up the phone and shut it quickly.

"They are going to trace the call!" Bella worried.

"No we weren't on long enough for them to trace." Alice explained. "Right Edward?"

"Um, I'm not sure." Edward rubbed his head.

"Yeah. We are so dead." Bella groaned throwing her head back onto the couch.

Back in Forks Esme set the phone back down gently. Charlise looked up from the paper "What's the news?"

"Oh the kids are just hiding from us in Colorado." Esme sat down next to him.

"How long are we going to wait until you want to go retrieve them?" Charlise asked again keeping his eyes focused on the paper.

"I'll let them sweat it out a week."

"Whatever you say dear."


End file.
